Show Posts
1
Taiji / Re: Taiji's autobiography
« on: October 30, 2020, 06:51:17 PM »
Here's the third part "X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3", i love this one because this is where he talks about his beginning with X and each member one by one. I thought what he said about them in each chapter was really interesting. I also love the chapter about the white whale.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
1. “The period of trial and error.”
One day, I was casually reading “Rockin’ f” and saw an article about X. It said they were able to make really great songs. Right after that, I got a phone call from Yoshiki.
X at that time was Yoshiki, Toshi, the mohawked Hikaru on bass, and Shou on guitar, and if I had to say, they were a pretty punk-ish band.
I can’t say it’s because I knew they were good, but somehow or other they were popular, so I knew of X’s existence.
That’s why at the time I was invited to join x, after I thought about it, I answered that I would join if some member changes were possible.
I’d be the first to admit that the only thing I had confidence in was arranging. I temporarily arranged some of X’s songs from that time, but even doing that, it didn’t seem likely that my arrangements would be enough to break apart their lineup.
Finally, after Yoshiki thought about it, he chose me. X became just Yoshiki and Toshi, and I joined on both bass and guitar.
After that, Pata joined. I was glad, because then I could play bass to my heart’s content, but shortly after that, that happiness was over. As usual, I couldn’t help having to play guitar for a number of songs, and so I ended up dropping out of X for a while.
At that time, my role was to bring the spirit of rock into the songs that Yoshiki wrote. However, no matter how many times I would arrange them, I felt a hopeless impatience, like I had to make the best out of it, and I ended up becoming depressed.
After that, until hide joined X, I was stuck in an unsettled loop of trial and error which I couldn’t break out of.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
2. “The beginning of everything.”
I think it was undoubtedly because hide liked Yoshiki.
During the time that I was out of X, hide joined. At that time, hide, the leader of the band Saver Tiger, joined X, and I was also re-selected to join.
In the end, I ended up rejoining because of the fact that hide joined.
That was the point from which X became indestructible. Yoshiki, Toshi, Pata, hide, and I solidly came together and things started to go into motion.
There was talk before and after, but the X that existed until that point had core fans and were reasonably popular, but being popular in the music industry was terrible. We didn’t worry too much about what the critics wrote, but it was hide who wouldn’t be silent about it.
“Do you think it’s fine for them to make us look stupid? If we leave X as it is, it won’t be any good. We need to arrange more.”
Because of hide’s words, we were able to rise to our true ability. We went to Madarao Mountain Resort, stayed together, and began working on the arrangment for Kurenai. hide and I would arrange every little detail, and then we would come together and solidify the sound. Everything started from that point.
In 1987, Yoshiki started the label “Extasy Records”, which only X was part of, and we entered production for the album “Vanshing Vision”.
From that time, I privately really believed in us. From about three months before the album went on sale, I thought, “this band can sell. Finally, we’ll be free from all the criticism we’ve been getting.”
The result was right on with my expectations.
An unprecedented 15,000 copies of Vanishing Vision were sold, which broke a record for indies album at that time.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
3. “Band and work.”
These days, long, colourful hair isn’t out of the ordinary, but in those days it was an obstacle that could keep you from getting even a part-time job. However, without working, we wouldn’t have been able to afford studio fees. And above all else, we wouldn’t have been able to live.
Just like everyone else, we had a period where the band wasn’t making any money.
Toshi, who had long, blonde hair, wore a black wig and worked as a bartender. Pata worked at a video rental shop. I continued my cleaning job at the love hotel I started at after I dropped out of high school.
Even working as hard as we could, our money instantly vanished into studio rental fees.
At that time, Toshi was in charge of the finances. He would keep track of the rental fees and various other expenses and calculate them, collect money from each member, and keep track of our savings.
To reach 50,000 yen, Pata and the others would hand over their entire salary, but I didn’t have any extra money on hand, so I sold things like my stereo or books until the five us managed to somehow come up with the money.
However, the hardships we went through to get to that 50,000 were nothing compared to the feelings of “I don’t want to give up!”, or “I want to stick it to the critics!”
In that way, X was really just barely scraping by at that point, but we seemed to be surrounded by bands full of rich people. In any case, promotion was really gaudy.
At first, in order to increase the number of people at our lives, Yoshiki said, “at the next live, we’ll have a fridge to show special favour to our fans.”
“Why the hell would we have a fridge?” I said.
“Well then, how about a microwave oven?” he retorted.
Yoshiki’s way of thinking always came from somewhere bigger, and worked toward it little by little.
At this time we eventually made a video tape, and he was really calm about it. Even now I’m not good at that kind of thing, but I’m always charmed by people like him who are.
The video tape born from this unique expression was one in which a bike gang of more than 50 people participated, and because of that, rumours like “this is a really cool band!” and “how rich they must be!” started to circulate. After that, the attendance numbers at lives for this enigma of a band, X, started to increase like crazy.
Thinking back on it now, the way we were during that time period was a really solid union. We were such close friends. I think we had something special that would be impossible for other bands.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
4. “Jack-of-all-trades Taiji”
If I may say so myself, from the time I was little I was pretty skillful. Like when I started something new, I’d be able to do it without any real trouble. Because of that, during the indies period of X, almost all of our costumes were made by me.
Of course I could do the basics with sewing, but in order to add some individiuality, I also made little artistic accessories. I went to a wholesale store I knew in Akasakabashi and bought all the materials that looked like they would be useful, and then used them toward making costumes for each member. By inserting glass into leather, I could even make a costume that resembled a Gundam.
hide always gave me artistic evaluations on my work.
Furthermore, it wasn’t only costumes that I had to do. I also ended up in charge of hair styling.
Since hide was legally a beautician, you would think that he would do that kind of thing, but at that time hide was desperate to raise X up to the next level. Unofficially, he took on the role of X’s leader from the shadows, and with all his might he did nothing but think of everything about X’s future. Because of that, it was me who ended up doing everyone’s hair.
Even sticking up Toshi’s long, blonde hairstyle was my idea originally. I used one or two cans of hairspray, and then let all the teased up hair harden. I wouldn’t have been able to make it stand up without using so much hairspray, but if I think about it now, we really ended up spreading a lot of freon gas…
Anyway, by this point his hair would be solidly hard, so naturally it wouldn’t easily go back to the way it was. Normally, he’d have to soak it in a wash basin for more than an hour. From then on, he was stuck in washbasin hell countless times.
In Pata’s case, we decided that we needed to do something drastic, so I suggested a mohawk. A mohawk hairstyle would force me to perfect my art of standing hair up.
In this way, the five of us established our own individual styles. For other people, when doing something for the first time they might wait until they come to a natural agreement on opinions, but for us, without any sense of unity, it was that a band with no expectations was born.
We were styill a punk-looking visual band- that much was certain- but we wanted to take the uncharted path of bridging the gap between visual style and good music.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
5. “The white whale.”
Both back then and now, I’ve always liked doing lives in livehouses. You can see the audience’s faces well, even each person’s sweat. When I see the crowd’s happy faces, I’m able to have fun naturally.
Up until now, the worst live I’ve done was the Vanishing Vision tour show at Niigata. It was too crowded to the point where nobody could get in and I couldn’t breathe. I think the fans were having a hard time as well, but I really thought I was going to die. Of course, the indies period is unforgettable.
During that time, we went everywhere in a van called “the white whale”.
It was around the time of our first Hokkaido tour. On the day when we finally made it into Hokkaido, our worn out white whale quit on us. Undetered, the five of us got out and pushed it, and somehow we were able to take it all the way to the livehouse.
Naturally, after the live, we had the same problem. We had to frantically push the white whale all the way back.
This also happened during the Hokkaido tour:
While riding in our beloved white whale, Yoshiki went to a convenience store and came back with a CD. It was a Beatles CD.
Until that point, the five of us had been listening to songs that didn’t even make sense. For example, I’d want to listen to Metallica, but hide would end up playing something that sounded suspiciously like magic spells. We traveled while we waited our turn to each listen to the song we wanted to. Even though we were such a hard to please bunch, the Beatles were always close to our hearts.
As the sun slipped down past the Hokkaido prairie and we listened to Beatles songs, there was a romantic atmosphere.
“The Beatles are really good,” hide simply said, and without saying anything else, everyone was lost in the music.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
6. “Yoshiki’s great efforts.”
After our 1989 major debut, our lives and tours totally changed. In order to accommodate the amount of fans we had, we switched from playing livehouses to playing halls. Thanks to that, we also stopped using our white whale.
Something unbelievable happened when we were playing a concert in Kanagawa.
That day, Yoshiki was in bad shape. But the fans were waiting, so he had to go on stage.
Even so, Yoshiki couldn’t do it, and he ended up going back to Tokyo by taxi. Moreover, our manager chased after him in another taxi. The total price for the taxis at that time was 60,000 yen. That kind of thing is unthinkable, right? But it’s really like Yoshiki to do something so excessive.
There are a lot of stories like this about Yoshiki.
If the curry he always ordered from the same curry shop was spicier than usual, he’d angrily not eat it, if the shower at a tv station or some place was too hot, he’d end up going home. Those kinds of things were a daily occurence. However, because we got used to his conduct, it became really trivial to us.
Even the day before the Tokyo Dome concert, he didn’t come, so we had to face our first Tokyo Dome concert without any rehearsal.
Even though we had no choice in the matter, it was a success. Generally, we would have been nervous for days beforehand and practiced like crazy, but we never really knew what to expect on stage.
There are also times when we’ve had accidents on stage. The drums Yoshiki had prepared in order to destroy, one time he kicked them with all his might, and one of the cymbals hit my bass, and the neck was broken. From then on, I stayed as far away as possible during his drum solos.
There are endless things that can be said about Yoshiki’s existence. But looking back now, to that extent, maybe that’s how X has always been able to betray the fans’ expectations in a good way.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
7. “The proof of camaraderie.”
If you’re just watching, you might not notice, but during lives we make a few mistakes a year. Of course, in order to prevent them, we rehearse several tens or several hundreds of times, but even so, sometimes we blank out during a show.
In my case, rather than mess up, I straight up forget things.
When that happens, I just play something suitable on bass and listen for Pata’s guitar. When I hear it, I can usually remember and get back on track.
Also- although it’s my fault for leaving this to someone else- there have also been times when my tuning was wrong. When I get on stage and start to play, I notice the sound it makes and then realise that I should probably be in charge of that myself.
In Yoshiki’s case, he sometimes starts to drum too fast. When that happens, I sort of side-step toward him like a crab, and little by little we match up our rhythm.
In Pata’s case, he occasionally gets a little bit out of sync, but as for hide, I think he almost never messes up. He’s really prepared, and when he has to do vocals, too, I hear him singing it about twenty thousand times.
As for Toshi, he messes up all the time. However, every time, he’s able to quickly adapt and fix it. He never tries to cheat by humming- he always is able to pull out lyrics on the spot. Maybe it’s because he has a sense of responsibility to not disrupt the flow.
Accidents are a part of doing shows. Rather than get mad about mistakes, I think we can take advantage of the energy we’re given in the moment we mess up.
In songs where there are a lot of repeats, we don’t particularly have any signal to end it. We match with Yoshiki’s rhythm, and glancing at one another and I think we just are able to sense when it’s done.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
8. “Revolution.”
Honestly speaking, it was a harsh period. Rock music in the era in which we started our band was not yet mainstream.
Just the sight of long, blonde hair was enough for people to call you bad, and music was not thought of as a feasible lifestyle. It was still an era where musicians were still branded as failures.
For that reason, however, we rejected that world with rebellious hearts and fought back.
In our indies period, we coined the the phrase that everyone still usestoday : “visual”. Advertising ourselves as “visual shock”, our live attendance soared to record-breaking numbers.
So in 1989, we signed a major contract with CBS Sony. Our first album after that, Blue Blood, amazingly sold a million copies.
At that time, nobody expected rock music to be able to sell to that extent. We felt as if we were taking the first step toward a revolution.
At the end of that year, the single we released, “Kurenai”, won the cable broadcast Rookie-of-the-Year award. It was probably really shocking to see a band like us win on cable when they probably would have expected enka or something. To be honest, we gained so much exposure because of that award.
However, we still weren’t satisfied.
With the release of “Jealousy” in 1991, we embarked on a nationwide hall tour. Our final destination was somewhere that no Japanese rock artist had been able to perform before: Tokyo Dome.
Tokyo Dome’s occupancy is over 50,000. Performing for three days in Tokyo Dome, right after the new year, we could perform for over 150,000 people. We always challenged ourselves to do things that nobody else could, and we took it into our own hands to break that record.
We had no idea when our momentum would be broken. That’s probably why NHK could do anything but stay quiet about it. On New Year’s Eve 1991, decked out in red and white for the holiday, we appeared as the rock band on the end of the year program. Relatives of the performers boasted about it, enka singers and the like didn’t know whether or not they should participate, and it greatly influenced the next year’s sales.
For that reason, in the dressing room on the day of the show, more than the performers themselves, I remember the staff being particularly nervous. I think it was probably because they were worried about making sure to handle the New Year traditions flawlessly and about being as courteous as possible.
But it was different for us.
Despite the tension surrounding us, we just did what we always did and performed.
In reality, we didn’t made history in this way again, but we were worried about being judged by the numbers alone.
There was one thing I wanted them to understand. From the beginning, X was a pioneer band that did things nobody else had done. We were revolutionary people who did what others couldn’t.
At one point, Yoshiki said, “At any cost, we must become a rock band that can sell a million records. If we can’t do that, the music industry will never change.”
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
9 “Destruction band.”
“Men get serious when they have to.” That is the theory behind X.
At the time we formed, we were very quick to fight. This feeling wasn’t a leftover fragment- it remained strong with us.
Particularly with Yoshiki, hide, and I, who could never admit defeat, there were innumerable episodes.
During our indies days, our fights stemmed from our ability to sell. From that time on, because we did things that others wouldn’t do and our live attendance doubled, whether it was good or bad, we attracted a lot of attention from other bands.
While trying to figure out what kind of band we were, just by coming into their line of sight, they’d say something like, “so you guys are X, huh? Why don’t you try showing your face?” Even if there was no reason for it, it would provoke a fight.
But, as usual, it was over as soon as it started. Since it’s us you’re talking about, we’d just go back inside and continue drinking like it was no big deal.
In other words, if someone picked a fight with us, they’d be down with just one punch to the nose. It was always those kinds of guys.
Because we encountered other bands on a daily basis, there was one time Yoshiki even walked around Dotonbori carrying around a wooden sword.
However, after our major debut, the contents of our fights changed.
It might have been because the amount of libel and slander decreased, but it was that the source of the problems became primarily more emotional.
In particular, it was the remarkable-looking hide.
In his core, he was rather tender, and he was a human who was more delicate than others, so if you had even a little bit of an ugly attitude with him, he’d get violently angry. At a livehouse in one area, he didn’t like the attitude of a shopkeeper, and hide made it so he couldn’t do anymore business.
Once again, I touched on this in Part One, but it’s the same as the time he was drinking with Ziggy’s vocalist, and even though the source of his anger was unknown, there ended up being a dispute and he sprayed everything in the hotel lounge with a fire extinguisher.
That’s the sort of situation where I came in. If hide was that pissed off, it was my job to stop him. For some reason, both of us couldn’t be pissed off at once. So of course, if I got pissed off, hide would be the one to calm me down, too.
But, concerning Yoshiki, it was different. Even if hide and I both tried to calm him down, he wouldn’t stop. If something seriously pissed him off, he was as bad as a bulldozer. If you crossed him, he could have probably demolished a store in a day, so before something like that happened, the two of us would desperately try to stop him. Because of that, we always ended up getting hurt.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
10. Shunkan o Ikiru
[Living for the Moment]
The most severe thing that ever happened to me then was having 14 stitches in my arm to sew up an injury.
The day before our concert at Osaka-jo Hall, I went out alone and got into a accident; I didn't brake in time and smashed into a glass window. I was rushed to the hospital right away and got stitches, and they gave me some morphine for the pain, but the doctor's verdict was: "It's impossible for you to play bass like this." The medicine they gave me suppressed the pain, but he said that in the middle of playing, my wound could open back up.
But even so, no matter what condition I was in, I wanted to play in the live. "There's tens of thousands of people waiting for me. I can't disappoint the fans," I pleaded, unable to fight against my enthusiasm. The next day, I took a ton of morphine and went on stage. Because of the medicine, I felt no pain and had a great live.
Since that time, Osaka-jo Hall has become a legendary place for me.
Thinking about it, it wasn't just limited to accidents, but we really broke a lot of things. So we kept having to pay compensation for things. Even so, somehow I was the only one who had the experience of once not being able to pay someone back for something I did.
Before we won the best new band prize on a cable prize show, I was arrested for destroying some receptacles in a fight and was held for several days in custody. I'm not sure if I have a short temper or supreme calm, but I have the strange thought of needing to destroy the evidence after I smash everything in sight, so that can't be helped...obviously, that was the only time I stopped to reflect on it.
Fights are definitely not a good thing, but we were always fighting over something. Maybe by fighting, we were trying to destroy all the common sense and contradiction in the world.
There wasn't anything that we had to protect. It was really a repeating of tension and strain. Because of that, I think, betting everything on a single moment, we lived for that moment with all our might.
Out of all the modern rock bands, I wonder if there are any who have managed to carry out what we did when we existed. We were a little like "flightless birds."
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
11. “Troublemaker.”
At the end of our three days in Tokyo Dome, I withdrew from X.
There has been a lot of talk about what the real reason that I left is, but I’ve kept the real reason in my heart all this time.
Touching upon that subject now, I’m finally able to reach a settlement within myself.
I think that the direct source of my motivation to quit was money. Maybe it was that I had killed the mood by always demanding that the five of us should recieve equal royalties.
One day, Yoshiki told me to quit.
If I think about it now, talk had probably already circulated between Yoshiki and hide about my actions up until that point and my role in the future of the band. It might be that our different opinions regarding royalties motivated their decision.
Overall, I don’t think it was really Yoshiki and hide who made this decision, but a secret strong force going behind my back. No, that’s what I want to think.
It’s certain that I was a troublemaker. But I don’t think by any means that I was unnecessary.
I arranged almost all of X’s music, and if I may say so myself, as the bassist I think that I had the necessary talent. But this also created a source of trouble.
It was that I was never able to compromise.
For example, in regard to Yoshiki, rather than acknowledge something he had worked on like crazy, I would point out what about it he had done poorly. To me, X had to be perfect. If nobody pointed out the shortcomings, I didn’t think we would be able to rise to the top. That was my duty.
Yoshiki and I frequently collided and there was no forgiveness from the other members.
That’s why I was disliked by the other members, and I was feared by the staff like a human bomb. Even so, everything around me had seemed fine.
The way I behaved was all caused by the fact that I really loved X.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
12. Kawarenai Jibun
[Myself, Unchangeable]
I think I'm an "unchangeable man."
Even after becoming famous, I didn't change. Even after our major debut, when my life underwent a 180 degree turn, that didn't change the core of who I was.
Surely, when I think of the old days where we had trouble scraping together the "Indies 5,000 yen," I think that my attitude towards money has changed since then. Because the figures I am making have changed, it was probably inevitable.
When you become prosperous, you start to become greedy.
Of course, you buy high-class foreign cars, houses, and designer clothes, and you receive VIP treatment and start leading a rich lifestyle. Maybe this is a kind of dream that people who were born rich can't understand: a kind of proof that your dream really did come true.
X's members were unusual in that we didn't do that.
The objects of our interests differed, but individually, we each caught hold of the "proof" that defined us.
I thought that this was all right. Because we were in a rock band, it couldn't be helped that these things caught our eye. The image of success that each person sketches for himself will be different...
However, to me, "success" was a little unique. More than a high-class car, I wanted a bike, and more than a personal chauffer, I wanted a team.
Yes, my dream was to create a biker gang, and to arrive with them on our bikes all at once at whatever place we were having our live.
Once, we had a Harley team in one of our videos, and the image of that time has always stayed strongly with me [trans note: Taiji must be talking about the Celebration PV long version]. I have always thought this is what "rock" is.
My attitude didn't change either when we went on Kouhaku [trans note: NHK's "Red and White Battle" show on New Years' Eve].
There were singers who bought tons of clothes, but I always dressed in leather. Also, when we were recording for TV, the other members would bring out the flashy expensive clothes that they bought, but I would stand off to the side and dress in regular clothes and it didn't bother me.
Ever since I was young, I've always hated doing the same thing as someone else. I discovered that it was meaningless and thoroughly avoided it.
So I think that I was always regarded as an annoying "bump on the forehead" by X. Though I realized that they thought about me in this way, I still couldn't change. There was nothing around me that could sway me.
This is because I have always lived spontaneously. I think that I have kept the "spontaneous body" of human beings' original nature, since I didn't change at all from when I first joined X...
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
13. Byoudoshugi
[The Principle of Equality]
When I look back, the time that everything began was the Blue Blood tour.
The five of us all had different ideas, and when we made a song, we wrestled amongst ourselves and those ambitions. As a matter of fact, whenever we had a rehearsal, we were made by Yoshiki to play the songs how he wanted them from start to finish.
At the time, I had a very big, very impudent mouth. "The other members are writing songs too. You really need to distribute the songs evenly among us. You're the leader, but that doesn't mean you don't make mistakes."
The staff would stop us, and we would end up not speaking to each other.
The members would just think, "They're fighting again," and the staff would side with Yoshiki.
So I was left behind to fend for myself.
In that case, I shouldn't have talked to Yoshiki but rather to the staff. The fact was that it wasn't Yoshiki, but the people around him, who were trying to carry this out.
But even though I understood this in my head, for some reason I kept fighting Yoshiki head-on. In those days, maybe I was lost somewhere in the people around me who kept exaggerating the circumstances and trying to intervene. It was a long year for me, and I fought with all my friends; even though things changed around me, I couldn't change a thing.
For a while after that, I was the only one with a special contract. It was a studio musician contract. It was a result I brought upon myself, because I continued to fight for equal shares within the band.
Truthfully, because what I was doing was just being hurtful to X, what happened next was a foregone conclusion. Even now, I don't know whose idea it was, but I pray it wasn't Yoshiki's.
We just kept digging the ditch deeper and deeper. So during a conversation about royalties, everything was decided.
Yoshiki said, "Please quit."
And I answered, "I understand. I'll quit."
That was all I said. Yoshiki had only one reply to me.
"I'm sorry."
My blood was boiling, but that one word immediately made me go very still. But truthfully, I believe that inside that one word, "sorry," were hidden many other words.
However, because back then I was a stupid idiot who only took things at face value, I couldn't read that deeply into Yoshiki's words.
So then, accepting the terms that I was to stay until the end of the three day Tokyo Dome live, I began the countdown for me to leave the band.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
14. Saigo no Steeji
[The Last Stage]
There were three days left in the countdown until I withdrew from X. It was 1992, January 5, 6, and 7 of TOKYO DOME 3 DAYS. After the last stage, I would no longer be in X.
When Yoshiki told me that he wanted me to leave X, the truth was that he only wanted me to stay till the end of those three days.
Perhaps the reason was that in the middle of our conversations when I would turn belligerent and try to pick a fight, I would mistakenly say too much.
But still, I wanted to stay and play till the end of the three days. "When the three days is up, then I'll quit," I said to Yoshiki, and when I said that, Yoshiki told all the people he was talking with to go outside, and we had a one-on-one talk.
Because of that, I was able to stay till the very end.
All throughout those three days, I played my bass with the thoughts of "quitting" whirling through my head.
I was prepared. From the time that Yoshiki had whispered to me about joining X, I had had to live my entire life for the sake of X.
X was my everything.
Many thoughts were running together. I expected everyone else to feel the same way. No matter how everything would end, up on that stage we were comrades-in-arms who had gone through a long year of battle together; we were best friends.
The last day at Tokyo Dome--- Upon that stage, everything truly ended.
That day was the only time where, though I tried and tried to hold them back, the tears kept coming. Toshi and hide and Pata and Yoshiki were also crying.
Until the last, I embraced them one by one and cried.
And then I faced Yoshiki with honestly and held him and wept.
With that, it was over.
As I left the stage for the last time, I thought: "I love Yoshiki. As one man to another, truly, I wouldn't let Yoshiki go for anything in the world."
In that moment when everything I had vanished, those were my true and honest thoughts.
Surely, Yoshiki was tired. On top of having to keep making music, he had all these disruptions come into his life one by one, and I suppose he was tired of me insisting upon equality within the band. And so maybe he cut me out from his life because he was tired of it.
We were different; Yoshiki was the leader who held all the responsibility.
Perhaps even to something like this, he was being forced repeatedly to do it against his will by other people for "the sake of X."
Because Yoshiki's memories are more painful than anyone else's, it doesn't matter if you call him was "extraordinary" or a "king." Now I can clearly say that because of the things he did, he's now received his true reward, the reward that he deserves.
On January 7, 1992, 15,000 people came out to see us at TOKYO DOME 3 DAYS and left us with a miraculous record, and I informed them that I was leaving X.
In a way, it was also a way of summarizing the past 6 years.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
15. “Emotional scars and aggression.”
I wonder what on earth “sense” means. In music, the arts, sports, etc., the sort of fields in which you use specific skills, it is a word that is thrown about often.
If you say it in the musical world, even if there is nothing to criticize on a technical level, someone who lacks sense will become idle. There are also those who make up for a lack of sense by skillfully taking hold of the latest fashions and begin churning out meaningless songs one after another.
If you look up “sense” in a dictionary, it says, “the ability to understand the subtle feeling/merit of things.”
In other words, “sense” is something affected by the heart. The heart is not something forged by great effort. I think the way to understand “subtle feeling” would be the sensibility to understand something fragile.
That’s why I think that “sense” is the same as “emotional scars”. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that sense is something born from the wounds that you hold in your heart.
A prime example of this is the Blues. The Blues were born from the trauma African Americans went through, and years later this was passed down in song. No matter how much cleverness and skill you have, you couldn’t make music like the Blues without sense.
The five of us in X each held our own emotional scars.
The death of parents, divorce, issues with self-image, and so on. These might not be unusual issues, but these were the traumas that our “sense” was born from. That’s why our way of thinking wasn’t “whether or not we can succeed as pros,” but “we will succeed as pros.”
The aggression born from our emotional scars and a sense of impending doom completed our “vitality”. The existence of that “vitality” came from the gap between whether or not we could attract people.
The five of us had “vitality.”
To shut down was not possible. There was no way out. If things didn’t work out… well, we couldn’t think about that. Thinking about that would mean death.
In other words, by following the guidance of Yoshiki’s words, “There is nothing we won’t do. If we don’t do anything, we can’t do anything,” X, who was on the verge of destruction, ended up heading toward success, and subsequently established the new age of rock.
This is all I want to say to young people who are aiming to become musicians:
Build up a lot of emotional scars. Solidify your confidence in yourself.
I’m waiting to hear countless masterpieces from you.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
16. Yoshiki
It has been 16 years since I first met Yoshiki.
Yoshiki, the one who introduced me to X. Yoshiki, the one who made me quit X. Yoshiki has always been the one holding the key to my life. I think that perhaps he is the most intelligent person I have ever met.
He founded X with Toshi in Chiba's Tateyama City. Then obviously they advanced to Tokyo, and by the time anyone noticed, he had already sucked into his own band all the great names from the bands around him. Such great timing and his skill at choosing people could be called "genius."
After the five of us had joined X, we grew so quickly it was frightening. Yoshiki's musical conceptualizations flowed out shockingly one by one, and brought about such a pleasant feeling that I had never ever felt before. But at the same time, I wondered if I was the only one who thought that maybe we were trying to live a little too quickly…? With such a rapid speed, floating adrift, it was also repellant. Every day was both tense and uplifting.
The relationship between me and Yoshiki isn't something that I can speak about. So let me continue to give examples of how I see him.
He was a selfish, spoiled child but still lent an ear to the opinions of people around him; he was actually only worried about what happened to himself but still was a kind parent to others; he was innocent to anything outside music but he carried a kindness within himself; he was exceptionally proud, a sore loser, and a hard to like man.
Furthermore, he was an action man of foresight, and an idea man who would act upon even the most outrageous idea. If that could be put together easily, wouldn't we get a hardworking man, a legendary man, a very human, masochistic, sort of man?
If I try to put it like that, then to this day I think that because I also kept trying again and again to reach my goal, mightn't we be considered two people who greatly resemble each other?
The face of a beautiful angel and the face of a grieving devil. I believe that those two faces, so hard to live with, make up the human being that is Yoshiki.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
17. Pata
Out of all the members of X, Pata was the one member most unlike me. Everything he did was my opposite. Softspoken and steady, he was naturally protected by the other members.
He had opinions, but unlike me, he never spoke them, and he usually never disagreed with anyone either. He never argued, but just sat there in his chair drinking a beer, remaining calm.
Gentle from the start, perhaps he might have been the one person in X who acted most like an adult.
There was only one thing that could change him from that. That was "Giants: Win or Lose?" [trans note: the Yomiuri Giants are one of the six pro-baseball teams from the Tokyo area, and the most popular team in Japan]
He was such a huge Giants fan that even the office he created was named "Office Giants." So if the Giants lost, he would be in a bad mood and would lose his temper easily. In our group, our implied rule was: "If the Giants lost, today Pata will be pissed off."
The first time we played at Tokyo Dome, he was moved for a different reason than the rest of us. That was because he was standing on the home field of the Giants. At breaks in rehearsal, he'd play ball with Toshi. His face was filled with a happiness that I can't describe.
Pata the Giants fan also had something he didn't like. He hated soba. Ever since he was a child, he has had an allergy to buckwheat.
Once at some elementary school that was serving soba for school lunch, one of the students who was forced to eat it died. Dying from eating soba might seem ridiculous, but to him, it was a very serious problem.
Once, I went with Pata and two other people to a soba farm. It was bad. When he reached the train station, he was coughing and sneezing, his nose was running, his eyes were watering...as he rode the taxi, he could do nothing but say, "This is terrible. I can smell the soba. If I stay here, I will die. I have to leave!"
At that time, I didn't know about Pata's allergy to soba, so I just said, "What are you talking about? I love soba! Let's go eat."
Now that I think about it, if we were eating and someone ordered soba, he would usually leave the table.
Pata is just someone who is very clear on what he likes and dislikes. Perhaps these two things are what rule his life. It is easy to understand him but hard to get to that point, and the only time when Pata was never bothered by anything was when he was drunk.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
18. “Toshi.”
Toshi is all around a really interesting guy.
By nature he is very cautious, and he is the type that gets along well with others, but there is a part of him that is very lovable.
One time, he proudly started telling us a horror story. Somehow, when he was about to get on a train, he said that he slipped off the platform. Somehow he clung to the platform with both hands, and was propelled back from the recoil and some of his blonde hair was left behind at the platform, and he was embarrassed like crazy.
Because of that, until help came a few minutes later, Toshi had ended up stopping the train. After that, he got lectured by the rail police, but to Toshi, it was nothing more than good joke material about risking his life.
It was the same during practice.
Even if he said, “let’s do this song next,” he’d start singing a completely different song on his own.
He’s a man who it’s hard to tell whether he’s just clumsy or whether he’s a really great person.
Although Toshi is a really comedic guy, that wasn’t his role as X’s vocalist. Because he influenced so many people, he had to be something like a “vanguard”, or at least I think that’s what he told himself.
So until he killed off his real self, maybe he played the part of a “vanguard” as much as possible. For that reason, I think he needed an unfathomable fortitude.
Since he was Yoshiki’s childhood friend from the start, they went to the same schools together and entered into X with him.
As it were, he lived his life together with Yoshiki, and even if he didn’t understand it himself, this was a pretty big thing, no matter how he look at it.
When we recorded, in order to meet Yoshiki’s standards of perfection, Toshi would sing himself hoarse.
Even when he stopped, saying, “isn’t that good enough?” the struggle between them would continue.
It was no wonder that Toshi got impatient to the point where he didn’t want to sing.
I told him countless times, “do want you want to do,” but he couldn’t. That was because he had been with Yoshiki since they were little.
Because of Yoshiki’s strong will, it was maybe that Toshi was a little bit dependent on him.
I think he was a little bit afraid of being alone. Because of that, he always ended up relying on others.
And now he’s been separated from Yoshiki, who he has always been closer to than anyone else, but isn’t it that from the bottom of his heart he wanted to follow him…?
At least, that’s the way it seems in my eyes.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
19. “hide.”
Hide was always free. I think out of everyone in X, he was the one who managed to accomplish the most things that he wanted to do.
Back when I originally dropped out of X, the reason that I rejoined was because hide was there. I was confident that if hide joined, X would become an amazing band.
hide’s existence was something that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reach.
X’s music was arranged almost entirely by me and hide. With the music, hide would throw a ball and I would catch it and return it, just like playing catch. The way we worked together felt good. Because of that, I think out of everyone in the band, hide and I spent the most time together.
hide was really a strange guy. Especially when he drank, he was unnecessarily strange.
For example, if Yoshiki or I knew a fight was coming, we’d instantly raise our fists and fight, but in hide’s case it was really an ordeal.
He would punch holes in the wall, kick over signboards, throw fire extinguishers… I don’t think the bars put up with it, but that was how hide was. I think that probably when he hit things, in a way, he was questioning himself.
At any rate, more than being strange, he was a person with an incredibly song sense of justice, so when it came to something being unfair or unreasonable, he refused to stand by silently. And although he would knock things over in his anger, during that time, he would collect himself, and finally he’d end up torturing himself over it.
That was kind of a common feature between the two of us, and because of that, I think we got along well. Well, maybe it wasn’t so much that we got along well, but at the very least, I think that I was able to fully understand hide.
No matter how famous we got, he stayed close friends with those who he’d been acquainted with since long ago, and showed them great warmth and kindness.
hide always had a kindness that would never change.
Because he was that kind of person, he was able to instantly see through to a person’s true nature, or discover someone’s strong points. That’s why, even now, I think of hide as X’s hidden leader.
After X’s breakup, he had fun on his own, and he started to show his true self. He wore things like camouflage, sunglasses that looked like goggles, and cowboy hats, but I think that was the real hide. I think he was finally able to let his true colours shine.
At the end, he was doing what he wanted to do and getting good results.
Even if his body has gone, he has a soul that will never disappear. Just like I thought, hide was someone who I would never be able to reach.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
20. “Voiceless Screaming.”
“Voiceless Screaming” seems like it invites people’s tears. It ended up being something that crossed over gender and nationality.
I guess it goes without saying, but this song was my creation.
My motivation for writing this song was because I realised X needed this kind of song. It’s easy to say that I “realised” it, but I think it was a result of my self-development.
I was always asking myself, “Is this alright?” The result of always investigating myself thoroughly was that this song came naturally.
At the time in which I was writing this song, I can’t forget how much gratitude I was feeling. I was very proud of being able to write something entirely by my own power.
Of course, there is a certain level of ability necessary to get that far, but at this point, an ability I didn’t realise that I had kicked in, and I think that made it flow out easily.
Because Yoshiki’s physical condition had deteriorated to the point where he needed to take a break during a show, I intended “Voiceless Screaming” to be played during that break. It was more difficult than I had anticipated.
At first, Toshi and I had started thinking about writing it together, but when we started to create, it ended up with an operatic pitch.
Even when we tried to simplify it, it didn’t work out. More than anything else, it just got more complicated. Eventually, we had to give it a wide berth in order to complete it.
There was a time before recording when Toshi came to me with an suggestion.
“I’m thinking of doing it this way here, but what would you do if it were you, Taiji?”
It was a question very typical of Toshi, but in response I bluntly said, “Don’t sing it as if you were me!”
In reality, it might be good if there had been such a song, but I didn’t want Toshi’s presence to disappear from it.
Having been refused by me, Toshi was really troubled.
True to his character, I think he thought very seriously about how to sing it. “Voiceless Screaming” was really a song that the two of us put our heart and soul into.
The reason that Toshi put so much into this song was because he revealed a lot of his personal hardship in the lyrics.
Right around that time, Toshi temporarily lost his voice. There’s no need for a vocalist without a voice. That bitterness and anguish he felt revealed itself in the sadness of the song.
The two of us ended up crying while we were recording it. The tears just flowed naturally.
I think that Toshi probably personally put his whole soul into a song for the first time.
I don’t think anything like “Voiceless Screaming” will be seen again. I certainly don’t think it would be saying too much to say that this song is Toshi singing of his own life.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
1. “The period of trial and error.”
One day, I was casually reading “Rockin’ f” and saw an article about X. It said they were able to make really great songs. Right after that, I got a phone call from Yoshiki.
X at that time was Yoshiki, Toshi, the mohawked Hikaru on bass, and Shou on guitar, and if I had to say, they were a pretty punk-ish band.
I can’t say it’s because I knew they were good, but somehow or other they were popular, so I knew of X’s existence.
That’s why at the time I was invited to join x, after I thought about it, I answered that I would join if some member changes were possible.
I’d be the first to admit that the only thing I had confidence in was arranging. I temporarily arranged some of X’s songs from that time, but even doing that, it didn’t seem likely that my arrangements would be enough to break apart their lineup.
Finally, after Yoshiki thought about it, he chose me. X became just Yoshiki and Toshi, and I joined on both bass and guitar.
After that, Pata joined. I was glad, because then I could play bass to my heart’s content, but shortly after that, that happiness was over. As usual, I couldn’t help having to play guitar for a number of songs, and so I ended up dropping out of X for a while.
At that time, my role was to bring the spirit of rock into the songs that Yoshiki wrote. However, no matter how many times I would arrange them, I felt a hopeless impatience, like I had to make the best out of it, and I ended up becoming depressed.
After that, until hide joined X, I was stuck in an unsettled loop of trial and error which I couldn’t break out of.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
2. “The beginning of everything.”
I think it was undoubtedly because hide liked Yoshiki.
During the time that I was out of X, hide joined. At that time, hide, the leader of the band Saver Tiger, joined X, and I was also re-selected to join.
In the end, I ended up rejoining because of the fact that hide joined.
That was the point from which X became indestructible. Yoshiki, Toshi, Pata, hide, and I solidly came together and things started to go into motion.
There was talk before and after, but the X that existed until that point had core fans and were reasonably popular, but being popular in the music industry was terrible. We didn’t worry too much about what the critics wrote, but it was hide who wouldn’t be silent about it.
“Do you think it’s fine for them to make us look stupid? If we leave X as it is, it won’t be any good. We need to arrange more.”
Because of hide’s words, we were able to rise to our true ability. We went to Madarao Mountain Resort, stayed together, and began working on the arrangment for Kurenai. hide and I would arrange every little detail, and then we would come together and solidify the sound. Everything started from that point.
In 1987, Yoshiki started the label “Extasy Records”, which only X was part of, and we entered production for the album “Vanshing Vision”.
From that time, I privately really believed in us. From about three months before the album went on sale, I thought, “this band can sell. Finally, we’ll be free from all the criticism we’ve been getting.”
The result was right on with my expectations.
An unprecedented 15,000 copies of Vanishing Vision were sold, which broke a record for indies album at that time.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
3. “Band and work.”
These days, long, colourful hair isn’t out of the ordinary, but in those days it was an obstacle that could keep you from getting even a part-time job. However, without working, we wouldn’t have been able to afford studio fees. And above all else, we wouldn’t have been able to live.
Just like everyone else, we had a period where the band wasn’t making any money.
Toshi, who had long, blonde hair, wore a black wig and worked as a bartender. Pata worked at a video rental shop. I continued my cleaning job at the love hotel I started at after I dropped out of high school.
Even working as hard as we could, our money instantly vanished into studio rental fees.
At that time, Toshi was in charge of the finances. He would keep track of the rental fees and various other expenses and calculate them, collect money from each member, and keep track of our savings.
To reach 50,000 yen, Pata and the others would hand over their entire salary, but I didn’t have any extra money on hand, so I sold things like my stereo or books until the five us managed to somehow come up with the money.
However, the hardships we went through to get to that 50,000 were nothing compared to the feelings of “I don’t want to give up!”, or “I want to stick it to the critics!”
In that way, X was really just barely scraping by at that point, but we seemed to be surrounded by bands full of rich people. In any case, promotion was really gaudy.
At first, in order to increase the number of people at our lives, Yoshiki said, “at the next live, we’ll have a fridge to show special favour to our fans.”
“Why the hell would we have a fridge?” I said.
“Well then, how about a microwave oven?” he retorted.
Yoshiki’s way of thinking always came from somewhere bigger, and worked toward it little by little.
At this time we eventually made a video tape, and he was really calm about it. Even now I’m not good at that kind of thing, but I’m always charmed by people like him who are.
The video tape born from this unique expression was one in which a bike gang of more than 50 people participated, and because of that, rumours like “this is a really cool band!” and “how rich they must be!” started to circulate. After that, the attendance numbers at lives for this enigma of a band, X, started to increase like crazy.
Thinking back on it now, the way we were during that time period was a really solid union. We were such close friends. I think we had something special that would be impossible for other bands.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
4. “Jack-of-all-trades Taiji”
If I may say so myself, from the time I was little I was pretty skillful. Like when I started something new, I’d be able to do it without any real trouble. Because of that, during the indies period of X, almost all of our costumes were made by me.
Of course I could do the basics with sewing, but in order to add some individiuality, I also made little artistic accessories. I went to a wholesale store I knew in Akasakabashi and bought all the materials that looked like they would be useful, and then used them toward making costumes for each member. By inserting glass into leather, I could even make a costume that resembled a Gundam.
hide always gave me artistic evaluations on my work.
Furthermore, it wasn’t only costumes that I had to do. I also ended up in charge of hair styling.
Since hide was legally a beautician, you would think that he would do that kind of thing, but at that time hide was desperate to raise X up to the next level. Unofficially, he took on the role of X’s leader from the shadows, and with all his might he did nothing but think of everything about X’s future. Because of that, it was me who ended up doing everyone’s hair.
Even sticking up Toshi’s long, blonde hairstyle was my idea originally. I used one or two cans of hairspray, and then let all the teased up hair harden. I wouldn’t have been able to make it stand up without using so much hairspray, but if I think about it now, we really ended up spreading a lot of freon gas…
Anyway, by this point his hair would be solidly hard, so naturally it wouldn’t easily go back to the way it was. Normally, he’d have to soak it in a wash basin for more than an hour. From then on, he was stuck in washbasin hell countless times.
In Pata’s case, we decided that we needed to do something drastic, so I suggested a mohawk. A mohawk hairstyle would force me to perfect my art of standing hair up.
In this way, the five of us established our own individual styles. For other people, when doing something for the first time they might wait until they come to a natural agreement on opinions, but for us, without any sense of unity, it was that a band with no expectations was born.
We were styill a punk-looking visual band- that much was certain- but we wanted to take the uncharted path of bridging the gap between visual style and good music.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
5. “The white whale.”
Both back then and now, I’ve always liked doing lives in livehouses. You can see the audience’s faces well, even each person’s sweat. When I see the crowd’s happy faces, I’m able to have fun naturally.
Up until now, the worst live I’ve done was the Vanishing Vision tour show at Niigata. It was too crowded to the point where nobody could get in and I couldn’t breathe. I think the fans were having a hard time as well, but I really thought I was going to die. Of course, the indies period is unforgettable.
During that time, we went everywhere in a van called “the white whale”.
It was around the time of our first Hokkaido tour. On the day when we finally made it into Hokkaido, our worn out white whale quit on us. Undetered, the five of us got out and pushed it, and somehow we were able to take it all the way to the livehouse.
Naturally, after the live, we had the same problem. We had to frantically push the white whale all the way back.
This also happened during the Hokkaido tour:
While riding in our beloved white whale, Yoshiki went to a convenience store and came back with a CD. It was a Beatles CD.
Until that point, the five of us had been listening to songs that didn’t even make sense. For example, I’d want to listen to Metallica, but hide would end up playing something that sounded suspiciously like magic spells. We traveled while we waited our turn to each listen to the song we wanted to. Even though we were such a hard to please bunch, the Beatles were always close to our hearts.
As the sun slipped down past the Hokkaido prairie and we listened to Beatles songs, there was a romantic atmosphere.
“The Beatles are really good,” hide simply said, and without saying anything else, everyone was lost in the music.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
6. “Yoshiki’s great efforts.”
After our 1989 major debut, our lives and tours totally changed. In order to accommodate the amount of fans we had, we switched from playing livehouses to playing halls. Thanks to that, we also stopped using our white whale.
Something unbelievable happened when we were playing a concert in Kanagawa.
That day, Yoshiki was in bad shape. But the fans were waiting, so he had to go on stage.
Even so, Yoshiki couldn’t do it, and he ended up going back to Tokyo by taxi. Moreover, our manager chased after him in another taxi. The total price for the taxis at that time was 60,000 yen. That kind of thing is unthinkable, right? But it’s really like Yoshiki to do something so excessive.
There are a lot of stories like this about Yoshiki.
If the curry he always ordered from the same curry shop was spicier than usual, he’d angrily not eat it, if the shower at a tv station or some place was too hot, he’d end up going home. Those kinds of things were a daily occurence. However, because we got used to his conduct, it became really trivial to us.
Even the day before the Tokyo Dome concert, he didn’t come, so we had to face our first Tokyo Dome concert without any rehearsal.
Even though we had no choice in the matter, it was a success. Generally, we would have been nervous for days beforehand and practiced like crazy, but we never really knew what to expect on stage.
There are also times when we’ve had accidents on stage. The drums Yoshiki had prepared in order to destroy, one time he kicked them with all his might, and one of the cymbals hit my bass, and the neck was broken. From then on, I stayed as far away as possible during his drum solos.
There are endless things that can be said about Yoshiki’s existence. But looking back now, to that extent, maybe that’s how X has always been able to betray the fans’ expectations in a good way.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
7. “The proof of camaraderie.”
If you’re just watching, you might not notice, but during lives we make a few mistakes a year. Of course, in order to prevent them, we rehearse several tens or several hundreds of times, but even so, sometimes we blank out during a show.
In my case, rather than mess up, I straight up forget things.
When that happens, I just play something suitable on bass and listen for Pata’s guitar. When I hear it, I can usually remember and get back on track.
Also- although it’s my fault for leaving this to someone else- there have also been times when my tuning was wrong. When I get on stage and start to play, I notice the sound it makes and then realise that I should probably be in charge of that myself.
In Yoshiki’s case, he sometimes starts to drum too fast. When that happens, I sort of side-step toward him like a crab, and little by little we match up our rhythm.
In Pata’s case, he occasionally gets a little bit out of sync, but as for hide, I think he almost never messes up. He’s really prepared, and when he has to do vocals, too, I hear him singing it about twenty thousand times.
As for Toshi, he messes up all the time. However, every time, he’s able to quickly adapt and fix it. He never tries to cheat by humming- he always is able to pull out lyrics on the spot. Maybe it’s because he has a sense of responsibility to not disrupt the flow.
Accidents are a part of doing shows. Rather than get mad about mistakes, I think we can take advantage of the energy we’re given in the moment we mess up.
In songs where there are a lot of repeats, we don’t particularly have any signal to end it. We match with Yoshiki’s rhythm, and glancing at one another and I think we just are able to sense when it’s done.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
8. “Revolution.”
Honestly speaking, it was a harsh period. Rock music in the era in which we started our band was not yet mainstream.
Just the sight of long, blonde hair was enough for people to call you bad, and music was not thought of as a feasible lifestyle. It was still an era where musicians were still branded as failures.
For that reason, however, we rejected that world with rebellious hearts and fought back.
In our indies period, we coined the the phrase that everyone still usestoday : “visual”. Advertising ourselves as “visual shock”, our live attendance soared to record-breaking numbers.
So in 1989, we signed a major contract with CBS Sony. Our first album after that, Blue Blood, amazingly sold a million copies.
At that time, nobody expected rock music to be able to sell to that extent. We felt as if we were taking the first step toward a revolution.
At the end of that year, the single we released, “Kurenai”, won the cable broadcast Rookie-of-the-Year award. It was probably really shocking to see a band like us win on cable when they probably would have expected enka or something. To be honest, we gained so much exposure because of that award.
However, we still weren’t satisfied.
With the release of “Jealousy” in 1991, we embarked on a nationwide hall tour. Our final destination was somewhere that no Japanese rock artist had been able to perform before: Tokyo Dome.
Tokyo Dome’s occupancy is over 50,000. Performing for three days in Tokyo Dome, right after the new year, we could perform for over 150,000 people. We always challenged ourselves to do things that nobody else could, and we took it into our own hands to break that record.
We had no idea when our momentum would be broken. That’s probably why NHK could do anything but stay quiet about it. On New Year’s Eve 1991, decked out in red and white for the holiday, we appeared as the rock band on the end of the year program. Relatives of the performers boasted about it, enka singers and the like didn’t know whether or not they should participate, and it greatly influenced the next year’s sales.
For that reason, in the dressing room on the day of the show, more than the performers themselves, I remember the staff being particularly nervous. I think it was probably because they were worried about making sure to handle the New Year traditions flawlessly and about being as courteous as possible.
But it was different for us.
Despite the tension surrounding us, we just did what we always did and performed.
In reality, we didn’t made history in this way again, but we were worried about being judged by the numbers alone.
There was one thing I wanted them to understand. From the beginning, X was a pioneer band that did things nobody else had done. We were revolutionary people who did what others couldn’t.
At one point, Yoshiki said, “At any cost, we must become a rock band that can sell a million records. If we can’t do that, the music industry will never change.”
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
9 “Destruction band.”
“Men get serious when they have to.” That is the theory behind X.
At the time we formed, we were very quick to fight. This feeling wasn’t a leftover fragment- it remained strong with us.
Particularly with Yoshiki, hide, and I, who could never admit defeat, there were innumerable episodes.
During our indies days, our fights stemmed from our ability to sell. From that time on, because we did things that others wouldn’t do and our live attendance doubled, whether it was good or bad, we attracted a lot of attention from other bands.
While trying to figure out what kind of band we were, just by coming into their line of sight, they’d say something like, “so you guys are X, huh? Why don’t you try showing your face?” Even if there was no reason for it, it would provoke a fight.
But, as usual, it was over as soon as it started. Since it’s us you’re talking about, we’d just go back inside and continue drinking like it was no big deal.
In other words, if someone picked a fight with us, they’d be down with just one punch to the nose. It was always those kinds of guys.
Because we encountered other bands on a daily basis, there was one time Yoshiki even walked around Dotonbori carrying around a wooden sword.
However, after our major debut, the contents of our fights changed.
It might have been because the amount of libel and slander decreased, but it was that the source of the problems became primarily more emotional.
In particular, it was the remarkable-looking hide.
In his core, he was rather tender, and he was a human who was more delicate than others, so if you had even a little bit of an ugly attitude with him, he’d get violently angry. At a livehouse in one area, he didn’t like the attitude of a shopkeeper, and hide made it so he couldn’t do anymore business.
Once again, I touched on this in Part One, but it’s the same as the time he was drinking with Ziggy’s vocalist, and even though the source of his anger was unknown, there ended up being a dispute and he sprayed everything in the hotel lounge with a fire extinguisher.
That’s the sort of situation where I came in. If hide was that pissed off, it was my job to stop him. For some reason, both of us couldn’t be pissed off at once. So of course, if I got pissed off, hide would be the one to calm me down, too.
But, concerning Yoshiki, it was different. Even if hide and I both tried to calm him down, he wouldn’t stop. If something seriously pissed him off, he was as bad as a bulldozer. If you crossed him, he could have probably demolished a store in a day, so before something like that happened, the two of us would desperately try to stop him. Because of that, we always ended up getting hurt.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
10. Shunkan o Ikiru
[Living for the Moment]
The most severe thing that ever happened to me then was having 14 stitches in my arm to sew up an injury.
The day before our concert at Osaka-jo Hall, I went out alone and got into a accident; I didn't brake in time and smashed into a glass window. I was rushed to the hospital right away and got stitches, and they gave me some morphine for the pain, but the doctor's verdict was: "It's impossible for you to play bass like this." The medicine they gave me suppressed the pain, but he said that in the middle of playing, my wound could open back up.
But even so, no matter what condition I was in, I wanted to play in the live. "There's tens of thousands of people waiting for me. I can't disappoint the fans," I pleaded, unable to fight against my enthusiasm. The next day, I took a ton of morphine and went on stage. Because of the medicine, I felt no pain and had a great live.
Since that time, Osaka-jo Hall has become a legendary place for me.
Thinking about it, it wasn't just limited to accidents, but we really broke a lot of things. So we kept having to pay compensation for things. Even so, somehow I was the only one who had the experience of once not being able to pay someone back for something I did.
Before we won the best new band prize on a cable prize show, I was arrested for destroying some receptacles in a fight and was held for several days in custody. I'm not sure if I have a short temper or supreme calm, but I have the strange thought of needing to destroy the evidence after I smash everything in sight, so that can't be helped...obviously, that was the only time I stopped to reflect on it.
Fights are definitely not a good thing, but we were always fighting over something. Maybe by fighting, we were trying to destroy all the common sense and contradiction in the world.
There wasn't anything that we had to protect. It was really a repeating of tension and strain. Because of that, I think, betting everything on a single moment, we lived for that moment with all our might.
Out of all the modern rock bands, I wonder if there are any who have managed to carry out what we did when we existed. We were a little like "flightless birds."
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
11. “Troublemaker.”
At the end of our three days in Tokyo Dome, I withdrew from X.
There has been a lot of talk about what the real reason that I left is, but I’ve kept the real reason in my heart all this time.
Touching upon that subject now, I’m finally able to reach a settlement within myself.
I think that the direct source of my motivation to quit was money. Maybe it was that I had killed the mood by always demanding that the five of us should recieve equal royalties.
One day, Yoshiki told me to quit.
If I think about it now, talk had probably already circulated between Yoshiki and hide about my actions up until that point and my role in the future of the band. It might be that our different opinions regarding royalties motivated their decision.
Overall, I don’t think it was really Yoshiki and hide who made this decision, but a secret strong force going behind my back. No, that’s what I want to think.
It’s certain that I was a troublemaker. But I don’t think by any means that I was unnecessary.
I arranged almost all of X’s music, and if I may say so myself, as the bassist I think that I had the necessary talent. But this also created a source of trouble.
It was that I was never able to compromise.
For example, in regard to Yoshiki, rather than acknowledge something he had worked on like crazy, I would point out what about it he had done poorly. To me, X had to be perfect. If nobody pointed out the shortcomings, I didn’t think we would be able to rise to the top. That was my duty.
Yoshiki and I frequently collided and there was no forgiveness from the other members.
That’s why I was disliked by the other members, and I was feared by the staff like a human bomb. Even so, everything around me had seemed fine.
The way I behaved was all caused by the fact that I really loved X.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
12. Kawarenai Jibun
[Myself, Unchangeable]
I think I'm an "unchangeable man."
Even after becoming famous, I didn't change. Even after our major debut, when my life underwent a 180 degree turn, that didn't change the core of who I was.
Surely, when I think of the old days where we had trouble scraping together the "Indies 5,000 yen," I think that my attitude towards money has changed since then. Because the figures I am making have changed, it was probably inevitable.
When you become prosperous, you start to become greedy.
Of course, you buy high-class foreign cars, houses, and designer clothes, and you receive VIP treatment and start leading a rich lifestyle. Maybe this is a kind of dream that people who were born rich can't understand: a kind of proof that your dream really did come true.
X's members were unusual in that we didn't do that.
The objects of our interests differed, but individually, we each caught hold of the "proof" that defined us.
I thought that this was all right. Because we were in a rock band, it couldn't be helped that these things caught our eye. The image of success that each person sketches for himself will be different...
However, to me, "success" was a little unique. More than a high-class car, I wanted a bike, and more than a personal chauffer, I wanted a team.
Yes, my dream was to create a biker gang, and to arrive with them on our bikes all at once at whatever place we were having our live.
Once, we had a Harley team in one of our videos, and the image of that time has always stayed strongly with me [trans note: Taiji must be talking about the Celebration PV long version]. I have always thought this is what "rock" is.
My attitude didn't change either when we went on Kouhaku [trans note: NHK's "Red and White Battle" show on New Years' Eve].
There were singers who bought tons of clothes, but I always dressed in leather. Also, when we were recording for TV, the other members would bring out the flashy expensive clothes that they bought, but I would stand off to the side and dress in regular clothes and it didn't bother me.
Ever since I was young, I've always hated doing the same thing as someone else. I discovered that it was meaningless and thoroughly avoided it.
So I think that I was always regarded as an annoying "bump on the forehead" by X. Though I realized that they thought about me in this way, I still couldn't change. There was nothing around me that could sway me.
This is because I have always lived spontaneously. I think that I have kept the "spontaneous body" of human beings' original nature, since I didn't change at all from when I first joined X...
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
13. Byoudoshugi
[The Principle of Equality]
When I look back, the time that everything began was the Blue Blood tour.
The five of us all had different ideas, and when we made a song, we wrestled amongst ourselves and those ambitions. As a matter of fact, whenever we had a rehearsal, we were made by Yoshiki to play the songs how he wanted them from start to finish.
At the time, I had a very big, very impudent mouth. "The other members are writing songs too. You really need to distribute the songs evenly among us. You're the leader, but that doesn't mean you don't make mistakes."
The staff would stop us, and we would end up not speaking to each other.
The members would just think, "They're fighting again," and the staff would side with Yoshiki.
So I was left behind to fend for myself.
In that case, I shouldn't have talked to Yoshiki but rather to the staff. The fact was that it wasn't Yoshiki, but the people around him, who were trying to carry this out.
But even though I understood this in my head, for some reason I kept fighting Yoshiki head-on. In those days, maybe I was lost somewhere in the people around me who kept exaggerating the circumstances and trying to intervene. It was a long year for me, and I fought with all my friends; even though things changed around me, I couldn't change a thing.
For a while after that, I was the only one with a special contract. It was a studio musician contract. It was a result I brought upon myself, because I continued to fight for equal shares within the band.
Truthfully, because what I was doing was just being hurtful to X, what happened next was a foregone conclusion. Even now, I don't know whose idea it was, but I pray it wasn't Yoshiki's.
We just kept digging the ditch deeper and deeper. So during a conversation about royalties, everything was decided.
Yoshiki said, "Please quit."
And I answered, "I understand. I'll quit."
That was all I said. Yoshiki had only one reply to me.
"I'm sorry."
My blood was boiling, but that one word immediately made me go very still. But truthfully, I believe that inside that one word, "sorry," were hidden many other words.
However, because back then I was a stupid idiot who only took things at face value, I couldn't read that deeply into Yoshiki's words.
So then, accepting the terms that I was to stay until the end of the three day Tokyo Dome live, I began the countdown for me to leave the band.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
14. Saigo no Steeji
[The Last Stage]
There were three days left in the countdown until I withdrew from X. It was 1992, January 5, 6, and 7 of TOKYO DOME 3 DAYS. After the last stage, I would no longer be in X.
When Yoshiki told me that he wanted me to leave X, the truth was that he only wanted me to stay till the end of those three days.
Perhaps the reason was that in the middle of our conversations when I would turn belligerent and try to pick a fight, I would mistakenly say too much.
But still, I wanted to stay and play till the end of the three days. "When the three days is up, then I'll quit," I said to Yoshiki, and when I said that, Yoshiki told all the people he was talking with to go outside, and we had a one-on-one talk.
Because of that, I was able to stay till the very end.
All throughout those three days, I played my bass with the thoughts of "quitting" whirling through my head.
I was prepared. From the time that Yoshiki had whispered to me about joining X, I had had to live my entire life for the sake of X.
X was my everything.
Many thoughts were running together. I expected everyone else to feel the same way. No matter how everything would end, up on that stage we were comrades-in-arms who had gone through a long year of battle together; we were best friends.
The last day at Tokyo Dome--- Upon that stage, everything truly ended.
That day was the only time where, though I tried and tried to hold them back, the tears kept coming. Toshi and hide and Pata and Yoshiki were also crying.
Until the last, I embraced them one by one and cried.
And then I faced Yoshiki with honestly and held him and wept.
With that, it was over.
As I left the stage for the last time, I thought: "I love Yoshiki. As one man to another, truly, I wouldn't let Yoshiki go for anything in the world."
In that moment when everything I had vanished, those were my true and honest thoughts.
Surely, Yoshiki was tired. On top of having to keep making music, he had all these disruptions come into his life one by one, and I suppose he was tired of me insisting upon equality within the band. And so maybe he cut me out from his life because he was tired of it.
We were different; Yoshiki was the leader who held all the responsibility.
Perhaps even to something like this, he was being forced repeatedly to do it against his will by other people for "the sake of X."
Because Yoshiki's memories are more painful than anyone else's, it doesn't matter if you call him was "extraordinary" or a "king." Now I can clearly say that because of the things he did, he's now received his true reward, the reward that he deserves.
On January 7, 1992, 15,000 people came out to see us at TOKYO DOME 3 DAYS and left us with a miraculous record, and I informed them that I was leaving X.
In a way, it was also a way of summarizing the past 6 years.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
15. “Emotional scars and aggression.”
I wonder what on earth “sense” means. In music, the arts, sports, etc., the sort of fields in which you use specific skills, it is a word that is thrown about often.
If you say it in the musical world, even if there is nothing to criticize on a technical level, someone who lacks sense will become idle. There are also those who make up for a lack of sense by skillfully taking hold of the latest fashions and begin churning out meaningless songs one after another.
If you look up “sense” in a dictionary, it says, “the ability to understand the subtle feeling/merit of things.”
In other words, “sense” is something affected by the heart. The heart is not something forged by great effort. I think the way to understand “subtle feeling” would be the sensibility to understand something fragile.
That’s why I think that “sense” is the same as “emotional scars”. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that sense is something born from the wounds that you hold in your heart.
A prime example of this is the Blues. The Blues were born from the trauma African Americans went through, and years later this was passed down in song. No matter how much cleverness and skill you have, you couldn’t make music like the Blues without sense.
The five of us in X each held our own emotional scars.
The death of parents, divorce, issues with self-image, and so on. These might not be unusual issues, but these were the traumas that our “sense” was born from. That’s why our way of thinking wasn’t “whether or not we can succeed as pros,” but “we will succeed as pros.”
The aggression born from our emotional scars and a sense of impending doom completed our “vitality”. The existence of that “vitality” came from the gap between whether or not we could attract people.
The five of us had “vitality.”
To shut down was not possible. There was no way out. If things didn’t work out… well, we couldn’t think about that. Thinking about that would mean death.
In other words, by following the guidance of Yoshiki’s words, “There is nothing we won’t do. If we don’t do anything, we can’t do anything,” X, who was on the verge of destruction, ended up heading toward success, and subsequently established the new age of rock.
This is all I want to say to young people who are aiming to become musicians:
Build up a lot of emotional scars. Solidify your confidence in yourself.
I’m waiting to hear countless masterpieces from you.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
16. Yoshiki
It has been 16 years since I first met Yoshiki.
Yoshiki, the one who introduced me to X. Yoshiki, the one who made me quit X. Yoshiki has always been the one holding the key to my life. I think that perhaps he is the most intelligent person I have ever met.
He founded X with Toshi in Chiba's Tateyama City. Then obviously they advanced to Tokyo, and by the time anyone noticed, he had already sucked into his own band all the great names from the bands around him. Such great timing and his skill at choosing people could be called "genius."
After the five of us had joined X, we grew so quickly it was frightening. Yoshiki's musical conceptualizations flowed out shockingly one by one, and brought about such a pleasant feeling that I had never ever felt before. But at the same time, I wondered if I was the only one who thought that maybe we were trying to live a little too quickly…? With such a rapid speed, floating adrift, it was also repellant. Every day was both tense and uplifting.
The relationship between me and Yoshiki isn't something that I can speak about. So let me continue to give examples of how I see him.
He was a selfish, spoiled child but still lent an ear to the opinions of people around him; he was actually only worried about what happened to himself but still was a kind parent to others; he was innocent to anything outside music but he carried a kindness within himself; he was exceptionally proud, a sore loser, and a hard to like man.
Furthermore, he was an action man of foresight, and an idea man who would act upon even the most outrageous idea. If that could be put together easily, wouldn't we get a hardworking man, a legendary man, a very human, masochistic, sort of man?
If I try to put it like that, then to this day I think that because I also kept trying again and again to reach my goal, mightn't we be considered two people who greatly resemble each other?
The face of a beautiful angel and the face of a grieving devil. I believe that those two faces, so hard to live with, make up the human being that is Yoshiki.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
17. Pata
Out of all the members of X, Pata was the one member most unlike me. Everything he did was my opposite. Softspoken and steady, he was naturally protected by the other members.
He had opinions, but unlike me, he never spoke them, and he usually never disagreed with anyone either. He never argued, but just sat there in his chair drinking a beer, remaining calm.
Gentle from the start, perhaps he might have been the one person in X who acted most like an adult.
There was only one thing that could change him from that. That was "Giants: Win or Lose?" [trans note: the Yomiuri Giants are one of the six pro-baseball teams from the Tokyo area, and the most popular team in Japan]
He was such a huge Giants fan that even the office he created was named "Office Giants." So if the Giants lost, he would be in a bad mood and would lose his temper easily. In our group, our implied rule was: "If the Giants lost, today Pata will be pissed off."
The first time we played at Tokyo Dome, he was moved for a different reason than the rest of us. That was because he was standing on the home field of the Giants. At breaks in rehearsal, he'd play ball with Toshi. His face was filled with a happiness that I can't describe.
Pata the Giants fan also had something he didn't like. He hated soba. Ever since he was a child, he has had an allergy to buckwheat.
Once at some elementary school that was serving soba for school lunch, one of the students who was forced to eat it died. Dying from eating soba might seem ridiculous, but to him, it was a very serious problem.
Once, I went with Pata and two other people to a soba farm. It was bad. When he reached the train station, he was coughing and sneezing, his nose was running, his eyes were watering...as he rode the taxi, he could do nothing but say, "This is terrible. I can smell the soba. If I stay here, I will die. I have to leave!"
At that time, I didn't know about Pata's allergy to soba, so I just said, "What are you talking about? I love soba! Let's go eat."
Now that I think about it, if we were eating and someone ordered soba, he would usually leave the table.
Pata is just someone who is very clear on what he likes and dislikes. Perhaps these two things are what rule his life. It is easy to understand him but hard to get to that point, and the only time when Pata was never bothered by anything was when he was drunk.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
18. “Toshi.”
Toshi is all around a really interesting guy.
By nature he is very cautious, and he is the type that gets along well with others, but there is a part of him that is very lovable.
One time, he proudly started telling us a horror story. Somehow, when he was about to get on a train, he said that he slipped off the platform. Somehow he clung to the platform with both hands, and was propelled back from the recoil and some of his blonde hair was left behind at the platform, and he was embarrassed like crazy.
Because of that, until help came a few minutes later, Toshi had ended up stopping the train. After that, he got lectured by the rail police, but to Toshi, it was nothing more than good joke material about risking his life.
It was the same during practice.
Even if he said, “let’s do this song next,” he’d start singing a completely different song on his own.
He’s a man who it’s hard to tell whether he’s just clumsy or whether he’s a really great person.
Although Toshi is a really comedic guy, that wasn’t his role as X’s vocalist. Because he influenced so many people, he had to be something like a “vanguard”, or at least I think that’s what he told himself.
So until he killed off his real self, maybe he played the part of a “vanguard” as much as possible. For that reason, I think he needed an unfathomable fortitude.
Since he was Yoshiki’s childhood friend from the start, they went to the same schools together and entered into X with him.
As it were, he lived his life together with Yoshiki, and even if he didn’t understand it himself, this was a pretty big thing, no matter how he look at it.
When we recorded, in order to meet Yoshiki’s standards of perfection, Toshi would sing himself hoarse.
Even when he stopped, saying, “isn’t that good enough?” the struggle between them would continue.
It was no wonder that Toshi got impatient to the point where he didn’t want to sing.
I told him countless times, “do want you want to do,” but he couldn’t. That was because he had been with Yoshiki since they were little.
Because of Yoshiki’s strong will, it was maybe that Toshi was a little bit dependent on him.
I think he was a little bit afraid of being alone. Because of that, he always ended up relying on others.
And now he’s been separated from Yoshiki, who he has always been closer to than anyone else, but isn’t it that from the bottom of his heart he wanted to follow him…?
At least, that’s the way it seems in my eyes.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
19. “hide.”
Hide was always free. I think out of everyone in X, he was the one who managed to accomplish the most things that he wanted to do.
Back when I originally dropped out of X, the reason that I rejoined was because hide was there. I was confident that if hide joined, X would become an amazing band.
hide’s existence was something that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reach.
X’s music was arranged almost entirely by me and hide. With the music, hide would throw a ball and I would catch it and return it, just like playing catch. The way we worked together felt good. Because of that, I think out of everyone in the band, hide and I spent the most time together.
hide was really a strange guy. Especially when he drank, he was unnecessarily strange.
For example, if Yoshiki or I knew a fight was coming, we’d instantly raise our fists and fight, but in hide’s case it was really an ordeal.
He would punch holes in the wall, kick over signboards, throw fire extinguishers… I don’t think the bars put up with it, but that was how hide was. I think that probably when he hit things, in a way, he was questioning himself.
At any rate, more than being strange, he was a person with an incredibly song sense of justice, so when it came to something being unfair or unreasonable, he refused to stand by silently. And although he would knock things over in his anger, during that time, he would collect himself, and finally he’d end up torturing himself over it.
That was kind of a common feature between the two of us, and because of that, I think we got along well. Well, maybe it wasn’t so much that we got along well, but at the very least, I think that I was able to fully understand hide.
No matter how famous we got, he stayed close friends with those who he’d been acquainted with since long ago, and showed them great warmth and kindness.
hide always had a kindness that would never change.
Because he was that kind of person, he was able to instantly see through to a person’s true nature, or discover someone’s strong points. That’s why, even now, I think of hide as X’s hidden leader.
After X’s breakup, he had fun on his own, and he started to show his true self. He wore things like camouflage, sunglasses that looked like goggles, and cowboy hats, but I think that was the real hide. I think he was finally able to let his true colours shine.
At the end, he was doing what he wanted to do and getting good results.
Even if his body has gone, he has a soul that will never disappear. Just like I thought, hide was someone who I would never be able to reach.
X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 3
20. “Voiceless Screaming.”
“Voiceless Screaming” seems like it invites people’s tears. It ended up being something that crossed over gender and nationality.
I guess it goes without saying, but this song was my creation.
My motivation for writing this song was because I realised X needed this kind of song. It’s easy to say that I “realised” it, but I think it was a result of my self-development.
I was always asking myself, “Is this alright?” The result of always investigating myself thoroughly was that this song came naturally.
At the time in which I was writing this song, I can’t forget how much gratitude I was feeling. I was very proud of being able to write something entirely by my own power.
Of course, there is a certain level of ability necessary to get that far, but at this point, an ability I didn’t realise that I had kicked in, and I think that made it flow out easily.
Because Yoshiki’s physical condition had deteriorated to the point where he needed to take a break during a show, I intended “Voiceless Screaming” to be played during that break. It was more difficult than I had anticipated.
At first, Toshi and I had started thinking about writing it together, but when we started to create, it ended up with an operatic pitch.
Even when we tried to simplify it, it didn’t work out. More than anything else, it just got more complicated. Eventually, we had to give it a wide berth in order to complete it.
There was a time before recording when Toshi came to me with an suggestion.
“I’m thinking of doing it this way here, but what would you do if it were you, Taiji?”
It was a question very typical of Toshi, but in response I bluntly said, “Don’t sing it as if you were me!”
In reality, it might be good if there had been such a song, but I didn’t want Toshi’s presence to disappear from it.
Having been refused by me, Toshi was really troubled.
True to his character, I think he thought very seriously about how to sing it. “Voiceless Screaming” was really a song that the two of us put our heart and soul into.
The reason that Toshi put so much into this song was because he revealed a lot of his personal hardship in the lyrics.
Right around that time, Toshi temporarily lost his voice. There’s no need for a vocalist without a voice. That bitterness and anguish he felt revealed itself in the sadness of the song.
The two of us ended up crying while we were recording it. The tears just flowed naturally.
I think that Toshi probably personally put his whole soul into a song for the first time.
I don’t think anything like “Voiceless Screaming” will be seen again. I certainly don’t think it would be saying too much to say that this song is Toshi singing of his own life.
. It's okay to procrastinate if it's to learn more about X, that's what i was doing during my 2 last years of high school lol.