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The Visual Kei Bad Styling Awards 2018

matsumoto · 1536

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Offline matsumoto

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on: July 02, 2018, 12:55:20 PM
As most of you might have noticed (and you probably have, if you have a pair of functional eyeballs), there seems to be a bizarre correlation between talent and fashion sense in the Visual Kei scene: the more talented the artist, the more disastrous their wardrobe seems to be. And to prove my point, I decided to compile a ranking of the most calamitous blokes. And you, who do you think deserves the Worst Styled Award? Winner gets a Golden Globe Toshi.

[Click here to read the The Visual Kei Best Styling Awards 2018]



#11 Morrie (Dead End)


I have the power to scare the sh#t out of you with just my cheekbones. Boo!

If you’re a hardcore 80s VK fan, when you read Morrie you probably think of the bloke with the nice curly hair on the Seraphine video. Well, that’s back when he was nice and tame. Then Morrie went to New York, got high on some protein shakes or whatever and shit got weird. No one really knows what kind of look he’s been aiming for in the past few years, but we guess it’s something like electrocuted anorexic creepy-ass shredded cyborg with a hint of Edgar Allan Poe. Anyway, it’s creepy AF.

#10 Tasturou (MUCC)


*strangled Ju-on style wailing sounds*

I didn’t know about this creature until I watched Yoshiki at Lunatic Fest and the (surprisingly interesting) cover of X he did with his homies. I was busy being the meanie that I am, laughing at this guy’s manky looks, until I realized what a kickass voice he has. No, really. He sounds like his vocal chords are made of metal. His band sounds amazeballs too, even if it’s called MUCC, which makes me think of the word ‘mucus’, which is rather gross. You know what else is gross? This guy’s make up. Who in their right mind thinks smearing black eyeshadow around their lips is a good idea? It looks like your herpes isn’t healing properly, sir. Also, are you related to that creepy creature in The Grudge? I could swear you’re twins.

#9 Gackt (Malice Mizer)


Did you know that bananas cause constipation? It sure explains your face.

Does this one need a description? Back when I was in middle school and way before I even found out about the Visual Kei scene (a kazillion years ago, that is), I had a friend who was completely obsessed with this guy. She was so hooked, she asked me to design a Livejournal layout for her with a picture of him. Fine, I’ll code an LJ thing for you with that Asian bloke if you buy me Skittles, I said (Skittles were our currency in the early 2000s). The Skittles better have been worth it though, because I spent an afternoon digging up photos of this guy and cringing. I mean, when Gackt dies, will they bury him or take him to a plastic recycling facility? Serious question.


#8 Hyde (L’arc-en-ciel, VAMPS)


My puberty is late this month, could I be pregnant?

We’ve got nothing against Hyde. After all, he’s so famous they named a park in London after him. The thing with Hyde is that he reminds us of a prepubescent Shakira (when you see it, you can’t unsee it). Mr. Hyde takes it up a notch, though, with his freaky contacts, his multi tone hair braids, his top hats, his navel piercings, his body paint, his tacky angel wing tattoos and his cringy facial expressions (Lemme stick my tongue out like this, chicks dig that. No, sir, chicks don’t dig that, sorry to tell you).


#7 Die (Dir en Grey)


I added a sprinkle of highlighter to top off the diva look, see?

I’ve got nothing against Die, save for his funny choice of stage name. Actually, I know nothing about the guy, except that he plays guitar. But I can’t help but wonder what on earth this bloke asks his stylist for when he gets his hair done. – Do you know the suburban mum who’s just bought some discount box dye and GHD straighteners ? – Say no more, fam. And can we talk about the hotpants and patterned stockings he wore to Lunatic Fest this year? Die, this is not Coachella. And you are not one of Beyoncé’s support dancers. 


#6 Kamijo (Versailles)


This is the way dudes dress in France, right? Wrong.

I don’t even like this band, but it’s so omnipresent I can’t help but notice how bloody atrocious this guy’s outfits are. Sir, have you noticed that your Meg Ryan ‘do is so heavy it makes you tilt you head to the side? That can’t be good for your neck. I appreciate your efforts to copy Yoshiki’s style in 1992, but heck, you just look like a knockoff Barbie. And why do all your outfits have to look like a Fabergé egg just barfed on you? Bonjour and au revoir.


#5 Atsushi Sakurai (Buck-Tick)


I've been digging through my wife's lingerie drawer again, don't judge.

Mr. Sakurai has a bunch of cool achievements under his belt: he lays albums like chicken on steroids lay eggs, has fathered 90% of Japan’s population since 1980, owns a bunch of cats, has played Professor Snape on all Harry Potter films (Rickman who?) and most importantly, he’s a mighty fine singer and songwriter. Unfortunately for him, his sense of fashion = dungarees, ill-fitting shirts and… lingerie? Hello sir, your Midlife Crisis called. Says you need to stop right there.

#4 Ryuichi Kawamura (Luna Sea)


If I do Toshi's 'do with black hair, it counts as an original style, right?

Ryuichi, the man who pronounces Kurenai as 'Keerenai' - but it's okay, we forgive him because he's cool. Ryuichi does everything, from singing to surfing, to driving race cars, to copycatting everyone else on the VK scene. Unfortunately for him, his talent doesn't stretch out to fashion, so he has to get his 'inspiration' from other dudes. Toshi, Morrie and Sakurai are his favourite victims, but hèlas!, they’re all on this list! It's like copying your homework from the dumbest kid in class.


#3 Imai (Buck-Tick)


Real men wear transparent lacy skirts, you mofos.

Imai scores pretty high on the coolness scale. He was the cool rock’n’roll kid back in his small town in the late 70s. He has been running an awesome band since 1983 with no disbandments and no drama. He plays weird ass guitars left-hand. He can play while dancing a thing that looks like a trippy Irish folk dance. And let’s not forget that he once went to jail for buying a mighty fine stash of LSD for the entire band. Epic. Imai was really good friends with the late Hide, who once described him as ‘a really pretty mannequin I’d like to put in my room’. The two have probably spent many afternoons thrifting at the Japanese equivalent of Salvation Army, but Hide failed to teach him how not to look like a glittery hobo.

#2 Kyo (Dir en Grey)


I'm 42, just for the record. But if you let me, I can call you Daddy.

Kyo has one of the best voices in the Visual Kei scene and he sure knows how to flaunt it (by growling like a dying walrus, that is). He is also a a great poet and his song themes are haunting, enthralling and deliciously disturbing (if you manage to decipher whatever he’s screaming, good luck with that!). Too bad he seems to have an unexplainable fondness for fake vomit, coagulated blood, spit and god knows what else. Does he ever let his hair down and dress like a presentable human being, you may ask? Yep, he does. And it’s not nice to look at either. Hopeless case.

#1 Toshi (X Japan)


I shine bright like a diamond because I. Am. A. Gem.

King of the Xfreakistan. Prince of Visualkeiland. God of all shrieky tenors of this planet. Nuclear powerplant of stamina and passion, all packed into his unimpressive 5 foot-tall frame. Toshi sings, plays guitar, cooks, gives his fans 3 hour-long orgasms and is the only man on Earth who dares troll the almighty Princess. He went from cult member to cult leader and owner of a harem of hoes on Discord. And did we mention that he’s a fan of Beauty and the Beast? Well, ladies, before you drop everything to go chase him, remember to buy a few gallons of gasoline. When he’s yours, you’ll need to make sure you effectively burn his entire wardrobe.



Disclaimer: this is a shitposting ranking. I'm a fan of most of these guys. Don't be offended. It's unlikely that their atrocious fashion sense will improve just because you're offended, my ol' chaps.


« Last Edit: July 06, 2018, 09:30:30 AM by matsumoto »

Woah, I can haz admin colour.


Teemeah

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Reply #1 on: July 02, 2018, 01:30:30 PM
I'm crying  ;D this is incredible  ;D ;D ;D ;D



Offline pt_93

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Reply #2 on: July 02, 2018, 09:25:53 PM
Thank you for the laughs! All of these were soooo spot on. Can’t wait to see the best styling lol



Offline matsumoto

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Reply #3 on: July 06, 2018, 09:27:04 AM
Thanks guys, I had a lot of fun writing this shitpost too  8)

btw, added three of the outtakes from when I did the list.

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Offline Kasumi

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Reply #4 on: July 27, 2018, 09:23:55 PM
I laughed so hard right now. Thanks for this ranking. It is wonderful. How did I not recognize this earlier?

While I'm away, read this line again...


Offline nb

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Reply #5 on: July 27, 2018, 09:29:52 PM
@matsumoto

It's fucking noisy right now! Kasumi is making such loud noises (roflcopter), I bet our neighbours are calling for the police!!!

It's your fault!!!1111!!


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Offline matsumoto

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Reply #6 on: August 06, 2018, 01:58:00 PM
I feel like this belongs here:


Why, Toshi, why? Where do I start? Everything is at least 2 sizes too large. The bow tie looks like it gave up on life. The studded tuxedo makes my stomach accidity rise by at least 20%. The lace details make me want to grab my grab my stuffed alpaca and cry. Someone stop this man, please?

It's fucking noisy right now! Kasumi is making such loud noises (roflcopter), I bet our neighbours are calling for the police!!!

It's your fault!!!1111!!

HOAHAHAHAH sorry but not sorry!  ;D

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Offline pt_93

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Reply #7 on: August 06, 2018, 06:26:25 PM
I was trying to forget that outfit but here it is again. Why Toshi, WHY? Stop this crime against humanity



Offline Kasumi

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Reply #8 on: August 07, 2018, 09:40:25 AM
Why? Because Fashion Lord Toshi is here to burn your eyes with his bright shining presence. \*o*/

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Teemeah

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Reply #9 on: August 07, 2018, 10:41:23 AM
someone needs to kidnap his stylist and demand a ransom....



Offline matsumoto

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Reply #10 on: August 07, 2018, 12:42:44 PM
Poor Toshi. Whoever picks his outfits deserves to step on a Lego.


Stylist: how about this printed insulated vest with a raised collar, a studded leather fringe and randomly placed lace accents?
Toshi: still not good enough.
Stylist: we can add a lace scarf, sequined gloves, fake Givenchys, a cross pendant, a rhinestone-embelished belt and underwear with an inbuilt neon light system.
Toshi: say no more, fam.



Toshi: stylist, make me fab.
Stylist: this one is inspired by what my aunt Susan once wore to a funeral in the 1910s.
Toshi: oh cool, whose funeral?
Stylist: her own.


Toshi: so what kind of outfit shall I wear for my next show?
Stylist: a thing with lace, fluff and some tentacles that'll make you look like an antropomorphic jellyfish.
Toshi: sounds like a deal.

« Last Edit: August 07, 2018, 09:26:31 PM by matsumoto »

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Offline Hyunkel

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Reply #11 on: August 07, 2018, 08:06:55 PM
Those threads are so funny ^^ thank you :)

Toshi being a walking fashion faux-pas is so sad and funny at the same time x)

But I like Kamijo's style (and the over-the-top outfits Versailles pulls anyway haha)

..Close your eyes and I'll kill you in the rain...

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Offline Kasumi

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Reply #12 on: August 08, 2018, 04:56:40 PM
I love this thread. I just wonder if Yoshiki ever looks at Toshi and says 'dude, you're not going out wearing that are you?'
Hahaha. :D He is probably tempted to say that before every concert, but he bites his tongue and stays silent. Otherwise I can't explain some of Toshis concert outfits...

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Offline hatsor

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Reply #13 on: February 09, 2019, 10:36:02 PM
I think this is definetely a worthwhile outfit to be posted here. Nb favourite musician, Gackt in his bunny outfit  ;D
https://i.pinimg.com/236x/7f/ef/d7/7fefd764a2c08ac4f9d683e315211b30--visual-kei-rock.jpg

I definetely agree that toshi deserves number one spot. He's the most bling of them all. I mean, who wouldn't want to have a studded jacket on both sides?  :P
https://aramajapan.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/aramajapan.com-xjapan-toshipancakee.jpg

I know not what tomorrow will bring. - F.P.